To live, to love, to lose
To touch, to hold, to feel, to mend
To call, to cry, to mope, to whine
To pray, to sooth, to breathe, to rest
To have, to not
To win, to lose
To start again, to end
To see, to fall
To stop, to crawl
To walk, to run
I recently lost the most important person in my life, this past month, and it feels as if my life has been turned upside down. It’s hard to see and navigate the world the same after losing a piece that was so instrumental in your everyday development. But I have to. Truth be told, we don’t talk about human dependency enough. When I say we, I am in that number too.
I didn’t realize until the death of my grandmother that I depended on her for a large part of my being. She was my emotional and mental safe place. If I forgot to pray one day, I knew she prayed for me. If I hadn’t talked to a family member in months, that was ok because I got my updates from her. I didn’t have to check the weather because she was already on it. Whenever the world felt too heavy on my shoulder, a simple phone call to her eased my fears. She was my bestfriend, I even have her tattooed on my body. The bond was real. Dependency doesn’t have to just be a romantic relationship; it can be any relationship. Reality is, it’s not fair to her. I talk about this in my e-book 30 things about love. One person should not be your everything.
But now she’s gone…
At least in the physical form. My grandmother and I had this close weird relationship where many people felt I was her daughter. Seriously! Up until her death, my grandmother still bought my dresses, stockings, and pajamas. I have many of her items in my house, pictures and recordings in my phone, and a countless number of memories.
I feel exposed…
My safe place, permanent address, and emergency contact is gone. It is now time for me to use those skills she taught me over time and pay it forward to the next generation. The reality is even though I am hurting, and the hurt will never be gone, each day gets better because she prepared me. For those who are going through a time of loss, I am here with you as we continue this journey of life with our missing links.
It is important for us to think about the lessons and wisdom learned from our loved ones. Smile at the good times. Cry when your heart says so. Get up and go when you’re ready.
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